In the desire and libido department, the offer of sex toys is plethoric, and technology rivals design. It’s very pretty, but the sophistication of the object does not answer the fundamental question: how does this serve my privacy? When I use a sex toy, what fundamental need – pleasure, relaxation, rapprochement with my partner or, on the contrary, sexual autonomy – is underlying? To answer these intimate and essential questions, we discussed with Marie Bareaud, sexologist in the Nantes region.
The article below is the transcription of Marie Bareaud’s video interview.
What is a sex toy used for?
From my point of view as a sexologist, I believe that sex toys are about desire of everyone, of those who buy them, to invest their sexuality. I think that’s a good thing. We sometimes have the impression that in our sexuality, things will fall from the sky, that it is natural, that we do not need to do anything, no energy to lead to be happy in this area. And so on the contrary, sextoys are right to tell us: yes, it’s worth investing in your sexuality, it’s worth taking a closer look.
The practice of the sex toy will help people who are aware that it is not up to my spouse to discover me. It’s not up to him to do the job for me. It is also up to me to discover myself.
The practice of the sex toy will perhaps help people who are also aware that it is not for my spouse to discover me. It’s not up to him to do the job for me. It is also up to me to discover myself. It seems to me that it is important. Notably, I am thinking, for example, of men who have difficulties in their sexual management. It is not up to Madame to come and help me to train myself to assume the management of my sexual tension. It is better to manage alone first, to train alone, before asking someone else.
On the woman’s side, the sex toy will often help to discover oneself, to say to oneself: “Ah, well, I remember that I have a pubis. I have large lips, I have small lips, I have a clitoris. How does it work?” And often, the fact of having a practice alone, it allows not to have the pressure of the spouse who looks at me and think I don’t know what. This allows you not to be under performance pressure.
Beware of the “race to orgasm”
It is a point of attention can be in the use of the sex toy. Often, I still hear in my office people who are going to go too loud, too quickly, who are not going to respect each other, who are going to “race to orgasm”. Now, it seems to me that what’s interesting isn’t the orgasm, it’s the path that takes me to that. It’s much more interesting. And when a man or a woman is attentive to the path that leads to enjoyment, so she respects herself because she listens to herself. What seems important to me is that when you’re in “I’m going strong” mode, if I’m really in the race for orgasm, in fact, I have this idea of performance. “I have to get there. It has to be successful (full of success)”. In this case, I risk going through force, hurting myself. I sometimes hear women telling me that they bleed themselves with their sex toy. When we go hard, what will happen is that we will desensitize, that is to say go towards anesthesia.
Be careful not to anesthetize your erogenous zones
But this anesthesia of the sensations when you go too hard with your sex toy is exactly the opposite of pleasure. In sexual relations, I don’t know if it’s always appropriate. In any case, when it’s the lady who wants to use a sex toy: I’ve sometimes heard that “to give a little spice” to the sexual encounter. But then Sir, what is it for? And often it will keep the spouse in the idea that he does not know how to do it, who does not do it as well.
Me, I’m a sexologist, I’m more for sexual encounters, for the richness of the sexual encounter. So obviously I’m not going to invite you to that.
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